Monday, October 11, 2010

OK I swear I haven't abandoned this blog, or, FUCK LIQUID NAILS (UPDATED)

I know, I know, it's been AGES since I last blogged, but it's not because I haven't been doing anything (I totally have, strangely enough) it's because I can't find my motherfucking usb cable anywhere. It's like it's disappeared into fat air and fat air won't give it back.

Epic, epic sadface. :'(

Until I find it again or buy a new one, I'll have to just talk about what I've been doing, and y'all can just use your imaginations.

Since I last blogged about painting my dresser so beautifully, I felt the fires of inspiration take a hold of my soul and when I walked in the bathroom and saw the ugly "pine" (read: chipboard) cabinet with the missing door and melamine drawer base, I decided to get rid of it (read: take it to Mum's) and swap it for something better (read: take the one from Mum's garage).

The one in Mum's garage was in worse condition than I remembered, probably because like me my mother likes to start projects and then gets distracted or lazy and takes ages to finish them. So I grabbed the pieces of the cabinet, found the awesome metal ruler and took to the sky-blue gloss enamal like Conan with a motherfucking sword. Except slightly less kill-y. Also I stopped for coffee a few times. Once I had stripped and sanded most of the paint off (I got bored and figured "meh, that'll do") I went to Bunnings and got a can of gloss spray enamel because spray paint is much easier than regular brush painting.

Note: spray painting is not easier than regular brush painting. For one, the paint barely goes on if you hold it the recommended 15-20cm away from the surface you are painting. If you hold it any closer though, too much comes out and you end up with paint drips. I did a coat and then went and clipped the hedge. An hour later I came back and did another coat. On the cabinet only, not the door or drawer. Unfortunately, my spray ran out before I could get to the door or the drawer for a second coat. Unlucky for me, since the door and drawer were the two things that had the most amount of blue left on them from when I had gotten sick of stripping the paint.

*sigh*. So once that had dried I grabbed some thin strips of wood and some Liquid Nails and glued drawer runners to the sides, and some supports for a shelf in the lower section.
Liquid Nails sucks cock in hell. It's impossible to push out of the gun if you don't have Hulk Hogan-like biceps, and once out of the nozzle it dries up like my vagina while watching Smallville. With the help of my brother, I managed to get the drawer runners on. Of course, the glue wouldn't dry. A few hour later when everything was still repositionable, I got the shits and nailed the damn things in. Because the supports were curved, I bent about 15 nails before I gave up and pretended to cry and Mum found me some square ones in the garage.

When I attempted to put in the shelf, which I had measured to the millimetre to fit in the cabinet, it didn't fit. By this point I was about to shit a brick. Matthew came over to ask me a question and I started hissing and growling and rocking the cabinet around. He ran away. I grabbed the rubber mallet and bashed the shelf into place, then nailed it from the sides to hold it in place, though I don't think it would have moved anyway, it was jammed in that tight (that's what she said).

My attempts to put the hinges back on were, of course, foiled by the huge amounts of gloss paint all over them. A poisonous mixture of turps and WD-40 in a jar with the hinges and shaken around for an hour or so seemed to loosen them up enough to be useable however by this point I was so damn cranky that Mum literally took the cabinet off me and sent me to the movies. I have reason to believe she may have put the door on for me. I hope so. Because it's been almost a week now of having the contents of my bathroom cabinet all over the floor and it's annoying to have to step over 3 hairbrushes, a bag of TP and a tonne of makeup just to brush my teeth at night.

The cabinet had better bloody well go nicely in the bathroom after all this effort, though having a look this morning has made me suspect that it may be too tall to fit next to the sink. Goddammit.

UPDATE: So I chuffed around to Mum's yesterday, expecting the cabinet to have been finished for me. No such luck. The door was still not on, the hinges were missing (I later found one on the floor and one in a jar of scraps - thanks Mum) and all the tools I needed to continue working on it had been put away. I decided to get a move on and actually work on it. I grabbed the door and attempted to measure where the hinges should go.

The door did not fit.

To this day, I do not understand how the door, which came OFF the cabinet in the first place, could suddenly not fit it anymore. Maybe someone put it in the dryer or something. All I know is that when I went to put it on, there was a gap about an inch wide between the door and the bottom of the drawer.

I got the shits and went inside. After 3 hours of Age of Mythology, Mum badgered me into having a go at finishing it. She sawed off a thin piece of wood and I decided to nail it in from the sides, because Fuck Liquid Nails, and of course we put it in too high and had to redo it. Then she pestered me into glueing a thick piece of wood in the back to act as a spacer between the back and the drawer, because the drawer kept sliding in too far. We used the cheapo wood glue from the Reject Shop instead of Liquid Nails.

I took the cabinet home that night (almost forgot it actually) and it fit in the space in the bathroom with about 5mm to spare. Thank fucking Christ. I was (and still am) hell proud of having actually completed it, despite the universe's clear attempts to make me give up, and pointed it out to The Man upon his arrival that night. His only thoughts? "That bit's not painted."


Fucking photos y'all!

Check my dodgy paint job and last-minute addition!

More of that sexy, sexy, glossy blue goodness! (Also I just noticed you can see The Haunted Tampons in the cupboard)